


I don't want to take this leap of faith (if you won't hold my hand on the way down)

by ashadowonthewall



Category: Skins (UK)
Genre: Angst, Bullying, Closeted Character, F/F, Female Antagonist, Loss of Virginity, One-Sided Relationship, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-04
Updated: 2012-11-04
Packaged: 2017-11-17 17:29:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/554124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashadowonthewall/pseuds/ashadowonthewall
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Slightly AU after 5x03. Mini contemplates her life and her feelings toward Franky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I don't want to take this leap of faith (if you won't hold my hand on the way down)

  
[ ](http://s695.photobucket.com/albums/vv317/mrjdt/?action=view&current=tumblr_l6e66wAs2o1qbpsh4o1_500.jpg)

_“Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within.”_  
\- James Arthur Baldwin  
\--

You’re not yourself anymore, though you’ve never quite known what that is exactly.

All your life you’ve tried to be someone for other people. For your mother, your boyfriend, your friends, the people that feared and adored you when you walked into college. 

But you don’t know yourself. You never have. 

Franky does. She knows you, because she’s cleverer than you are, and because she’s always been kind of there…watching, observing you and you hate to admit it to yourself but you’re not all that hard to read.

You take a walk…a long one, thinking to yourself all the while. Nick sends you a text message, you read it but you don’t reply. You don’t know what to say to him because there’s that part of you that hates him for the hurt he’s caused, because of Liv and everything that happened the other night when you finally decided to lose your virginity, even though you didn’t want to. 

But there’s also that part of you that remembers the good times, the times he was sweet and caring and it hurts even more to think that all of that could have been a farce and you don’t love each other at all.

Walking is good therapy, or at least the more you walk down the empty streets, the sound of your footsteps ringing in your ear, the less time you take to stop and think about it, about everything.

\--

You spot a figure in the distance; a small brunette with slicked hair and a black jacket and for a moment you think it might be Franky. You stop and turn to walk toward her, until he turns around…he turns around and you press your hand to your forehead, thinking you might be going insane. Having delusions, seeing her everywhere.

It’s like she’s in your veins, in your blood, underneath your skin. You still remember what she said to you back at the party, about how you and Liv and Grace love each other. You know it’s true, you know that Liv loves you despite everything, and the moment you think of Grace the guilt inside cuts you like a knife. You hate that you were so horrible to her, but you know she’ll never take you back anymore.

And then there’s Franky, the one whom you mistreated the most for reasons unknown to you even now. She seems so forgiving it brings tears to your eyes every time you think about it. You hate that you didn’t dance with her that night, but went and hooked up with Nick instead, because you felt like you needed to because you wouldn’t be what people like to think you are otherwise.

You remember the morning after, and how you wondered what it would have been like to dance with her. You’re still thinking about it now while standing on the edge of some dock you managed to walk all the way toward without even noticing. You imagine her hand in yours, Franky the gentleman in the suit, you the blushing lady friend who curtsies as she leads the dance.

\--

Closing your eyes, feel the wind blow against your hair and the smell of seawater filling your lungs you let yourself imagine what it would have been like that night. You’re back there, at the party, decked out in your pink dress, make-up and fake tan and Franky is there too, her hands wrapped around your waist, her head pressed to your chest as your bodies sway from side to side to the music. She’s so tiny and thin and you hold her tightly for fear she might break, or maybe you’re afraid you will. Some people are watching, most of them are making fun of you calling you “lezzers” and “freaks” and for once you don’t care, you just dance. 

But you know that’s all a dream. And when you open your eyes you’re back where you were, standing on the edge of some riverbank, your eyes wet with tears. You almost wish you still had whatever was left of that bottle of vodka.

The thing that scares you the most is that you want to be Franky’s friend, you want her to take your hand and dance with you, but you’re afraid of the consequences and you know you’ll lose more friends by doing so, not that it matters anymore. You’ll be lucky if Grace and Liv ever speak to you again.

You know that you’ll see Franky again some time, but you’re not quite sure you’ll be ready to face her, to tell her the truth about how you feel. You won’t be able to take that leap of faith knowing you might fall and she won’t be there to pick you up if she knows the truth, which is why you’ll leave her alone, you won’t speak to her or even look at her again if that’s what it takes.

But she’ll find you; you know she will. Maybe then you’ll have the courage to tell her.


End file.
